Tongue-tied and tentative
I remain silent
Confounded
While a spectre of mute disapproval
Haunts this inhospitable hush
Impervious to my inaudible keening
You are deaf
Impassive
Despite my lifelong efforts, to date, I have been unable to confirm the existence of the following things:
Tentatively balanced on the precipice, I pause to consider my path.
To step back is safe, although discontent is certain.
To step forward is to plunge into the darkness and doubt, and catastrophe is certain.
I want to move forward, march decisively into the thin air.
But, I fear the pain.
So, I pause, wavering and unsteady on the precipice, lingering until the push of the wind makes my decision.
I tried.
I listened.
I waited.
While disappointment ripened
Sugar sweet
Heavy and swollen on the vine.
I waited.
I worried.
I tried.
While regret festered
Swelling and aching
Feverish and infected beneath my skin.
I waited.
I wanted.
I tried.
A conspicuous absence of feeling,
Characterized a dozen sleepless nights.
And the orange swell of the 13th dawn
Was unmoving.
The unraveling edge of significance
Failed to impart meaning to the evening’s missteps.
Until morning and coffee bitterness,
Granted the gift of distraction.
Nervous and Nauseated.
The stomach knows things the brain does not.
Uneasy and Undone.
Wanting but Worried
The heart proceeds with trepidation.
Agitated and Aroused.
I think that you hear what I do not say.
You forgive me for the things I do not admit.
You listen to my silence.
I think that you understand.
I think I am not lost.
You will find me, if you try.
And I will not say that I wanted you.
I think that you understand.
I sometimes feel an echo, half-remembered, of the sense of the limitless possibilities of existence. I feel a twinge of the panic-euphoria of a thousand possible beginnings and infinite possible endings. I cannot recapture it now. But, on a few blue-skyed mornings, my heartbeat will begin to race. On these mornings, the world will be as wide as it ever was, the answers elusive, and the adventures inevitable. On these rare mornings, I am unfettered.